Virus Chronicles – Day 18

So many new thoughts and strange feelings the past 10 days. In conversation with friends, family, and folks on the trail where I walk (keeping social distance), I’m learning others’ experiences are similar. The usual ways of marking time have evaporated. I lose track of the days and have no need for clocks. Is this the way early foks related with time? Frankly, I like this. The only reason to not be in the “flow” is to think about the why of this new relationship with time. It’s like a river whose life is damned by cement. Only in the case of these days, the dams are made of anxiety. I hear “what is going to happen?” and think, “we didn’t know what was going to happen before the virus arrived” and didn’t freak out about that (ususally). The wise ones say, “breathe, be mindful, meditate, be in the moment”. These things work – when I remember them.

Yesterday, I read the headline about the directive to be confined until April 30th. This in addition to the prediction that 100,000 to 200,000 people in the US are likely to die and the inadequate protection for health care people on the front lines. I felt sad. Then, I foolishly read what T said at the daily press conference with his usual garrish, ignorant, and narcissistic flamboyance and felt disgust and on the edge of disintegration. I was disoriented and desperate for safety and confidence.

So, I called my daughter “just to talk”. I told her about my distress that I have had enough life experience to be able to access coping tools that worked somehwere along the line. But now, I couldn’t. She listened and reminded me most of us have never experienced this sort of thing ever before. So not to be hard on myself. We, being close, explored mutual perceptions, fears and hopes. The conversation ended with her recommendation to “take a deep breath”. I did, and felt better. If you are feeling denial, bewilderment and sadness, please know you are not alone. Talk with others, rage, and cry if it helps. It’s OK to not feel OK. I hope the wisdom of other people visits you too.